Poem by Halle Preneta — 9/25/22
How did I end up here,
loving you in a way that I shouldn’t?
Where did my feelings change?
Was it in your words,
the story of you slowly revealing itself over time?
Was it in your actions,
every verbal “hello”
and car honk hello
and asking me “are you okay”
when you notice something’s wrong
and trying your best to give me the logic I need in my panic
and replying to every call
and singing in the same choir as me
and existing in the same room as me?
Was it in your laugh
or your smile
or the fact that your eyes squint just the littlest bit
when you’re happy about something
or how I can hear your voice every time I’m at work,
looking over at these bracelets we have on display,
hearing you muttering to yourself “these are cute”
when you aren’t even there,
just a phantom of my imagination?
Was it in your name;
short and sweet like you?
How every time I hear those four letters spoken aloud
I smile so wide
like it’s a magic spell that’s been cast over me
and I can now only do what it says and wants?
Or was it the very first day,
the day I trusted you with my heart
by giving you the most vulnerable piece of me I have
only for you to rip it to shreds
and guess what?!
I still love you,
even after that day.
Even after that moment
where everything turned upside down
and my world became only flashes of you.
Even after I’m gone and you’re gone and the stars are dead and the universe is dead,
I know I’ll still love you no matter what.
And the fun part is, I don’t even know why!
Where did my heart decide to imprint onto yours?
Where did my brain tie you up
and replay you and your laugh and your smile over and over again?
Where did my soul start to wilt at your presence
and now, I’m left a shred of a human being
at the altar of your heart,
ready to sacrifice myself to you
when you don’t even need it?
When you never even asked for me in the first place?
When you never even knew I was there and you were here
inside my head?
What will I do when the whole world ends
and I’m left standing here, left with nothing, without you and your name and your voice and your laugh and your hair and your sweaters and your eyes your eyes your eyes?
What will happen to me then?
