Pop a Sour Patch Kid

in my mouth just to feel something,

to feel nothing.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would feel like

to feel nothing at all.

Would it hurt?

Just numbness all the way down?

Or would it be a sweet release

from the burdens I carry around in my chest?

The unspoken feelings that seeth under my skin,

absorb into my bloodstream,

put me into a chokehold

until I truly don’t feel anything.

Is feeling nothing death?

Is no happiness or sadness or anger or empathy

a synonym for death?

Do we only get to feel nothing in death?

Because if so…

Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like

if I didn’t exist.

If Earth would just keep moving?

I have to remind myself my friends would miss me,

my family,

my dog.

Sometimes, I don’t want death.

Genuinely don’t want it.

Sometimes, I just want to take a moment to truly feel nothing.

Absolutely nothing

at all

and wonder if it would hurt

as much as feeling everything all at once does.

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